So, this is the first time i ever let out my emotions publicly, actually addressing or talking about something about me and the current state of social medias and my relationship with them and the art community at large, and i feel like this probably is needed as going back and forth with only a couple friends of mine once in a while in DMs with these issues of mine isn't really doing anything outside of delaying the inevitable (as much as i still deeply appreciate their help and giving me a shoulder to cry on whenever i happen to feel this down), and facing my issues head on with my audience and social media-exclusive "mutuals" (if any of these two camps ever pay attention, that is) might at least give a somewhat satisfactory closure if i can get any answers, or at the very least feel like i've put some weight off of my shoudlers for venting in general; But anyways...

You may have noticed how i've slowed down to a crawl art-wise, as i only managed to put out three completed drawings on this website overall in just half a year compared to how i used to put out one drawing per month in these last three years (or even twice a week in 2021, which i consider it to be my peak year in terms of quality, quantity, and reception), and even then i never managed to have twelve complete drawings for each of those last three years because i usually always felt down every end of the year in one way or another, and quite frankly it's all because of how dissatisfied i felt about my skills and overall performance with my art and following, and i especially felt a big blow around October-to-November of last year because of what i witnessed in just a single day while i was still feeling shaky about my mood (The last work i did that year that i've poured all of my passion and effort in, the Trip the Sungazer drawing, performing terribly on this website, only recovering vote-wise just recently and even then it still has a mediocre score (while also getting jack squat elsewhere, like always);

Seeing people on Twitter justifying wasting their impeccable skills on some of the trashiest, awful ideas ever, back when i used to be active there;

Seeing friends and certain strangers i passively knew improve tenfold in just mere months while i feel like i've always stagnated in these last four years, if not for my entire life as an artist, if you can even call me that; And lastly finding out about a disgusting individual doing traced porn art of my childhood show of child characters while proclaiming to be "better than actual good artists";)

A blow that i haven't recovered ever since then; It's a miracle at all that i managed to make that Coco Bandicoot, OK K.O., and Vivian art considering that i still don't have the energy to draw at all, and considering how the latter two performed here i think it'll stay like that for far longer, if not abandoning art as a whole directly, especially when my effort to be beloved, and even gain a frontpage for once after all these years is all dismissed in favor of sick jokes like these:

There's little wonder why i might decide to give up on this place, or yet again art as a whole since i usually don't get much of anything regardless of effort (except for like the Coco and Vivian drawings on BlueSky, but the former felt like complete luck on both platforms while the latter seemed to have hit a niche to people on BlueSky and only that niche, since i didn't seem to get any results when it comes to increased performance to my other works, or even any new followers / fans thanks to it.)

It's like nobody ever likes me (outside of one or two small groups of friends that are outside of these social media spaces, but that's beside the point), i'm always the one taking the short end of the stick, or the one to always get the blame everytime i speak up about something (or even exist when i put out something), and i'm always the one to be easily dogpiled by people without any help in sight, because quite frankly i have no supportive people on my side on anything, no audience and funnily enough not even my friends to help me when it is needed (and yet every single person i've seen online always has at least one or two people, if not like a decently huge ammount of 10 to 30 people successfully defend them from any attacks or harassments they get).

It's like it doesn't matter how much time and effort i take to create something, how pretty and of good-quality it might be (or at least i've always assumed and hoped that was the case), how much prep work i do to make it good in the first place (like practicing, warming up or doing multiple takes in case the first or second draft sucked) and doesn't even matter if the prime motivator for it was because "i liked doing it" or "wanted to bring this idea to the world" when you have the end result be this abysmally negative or absent everytime i open up publicly.

"I mean, why spend that much time when that's not even what people want to watch? Why go through that gauntlet of like effort and stress just to get at the end of it and have someone tell you: "Oh don't worry Ster, we would've watched anything you've made, we're just happy to see content from you!" Alright, so why am i trying so hard? Because that's true, that's the problem is that that is true, and i know that's the truth and that is disappointing to know."

"There's nothing there, i could've been so much more, but nobody wanted me to be more."

-STAR_, from video "What happened to the old STAR_"

That's not mentioning how much more stress i have now that GenAI is a thing, making my sole passion (and meaning in life, if i have to be that dramatic) be even more on the line than it already was before in this constant competition for quality, efficency, skill, and quantity, making me feel like i'm even more useless and replacable than i already was, because honestly, for the longest time i always thought that my existence as an artist is meaningless, as i can be outskilled, outperformed, and out-appreciated by anybody, as well as have my artstyle and ideas / creations (like OCs) be pillaged if enough people get mad at me, all while being a nobody with how little of a following and support (if at all) i have.

"All people on social media are treated like "It's a dream job that you should be there to entertain me and i'm the one doing it for you, so you need to be grateful all the time because i'd kill to be in your position!" So get up and do it, i'm replacable, i made Team Fortress 2 live commentaries, go for it dude. Apparently it's not that hard you just wait around for someone else to make you, and if you don't want to go do that, then that's because other things have value, right? And you don't need to do that."

-STAR_, from video "What happened to the old STAR_"

With all this in mind, i think i'll go on a definite hiatus as an artist in general (as in i won't make any new art and won't post anything i've made on any socials, it's not exclusively a Newgrounds-exclusive idea even if initially i was thinking of just leaving my account on this website dormant), the desires to outright quit forever are there but i'm uncertain about that line of thought and my future there (let alone how this hobby / skillset will be with the advent of trash like GenAI), for now i'll classify myself as an ex-artist and be done there, just being a spectator to everything on the internet and life like it has always been.

If you made it this far and went out of your way to leave a constructive comment (or even a DM elsewhere), then i deeply appreciate your devotion in interacting with me (for once) as i don't really get any sort of meaningful feedback whenever i wanna address something like this (at least a serious one when it comes to complete strangers, like i said before i vented about this issue with a couple friends of mine in the past and they were always there for me to make me reconsider my destructive choices for the moment, which i still deeply appreciate.)

Thank you, and take care.